The Audit
Wizard
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MOTTO Be who you are and say what you feel because Those that matter don't mind And those that mind don't matter.
THE STUPID SIGN Eighth Place - When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. Here's your sign! Seventh Place - As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." Here's your sign!
Posthumous awards! Fifth Place - When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. Here's your sign! Fourth Place - Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. Here's your sign! Third Place - After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt. Here's your sign!
RUNNER UP -
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of
them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local
bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more
heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the
bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge
they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
AND
THE WINNER IS... Zookeeper
Friedrich Riesfeldt (
Paderborn , Germany
) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and
more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the
plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
THEY WALK AMONG US.... IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE WHEN THEY REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
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The wisdom of Larry the cable guy...... 1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of politicians give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name? 22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering 'What the heck happened?' 23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow. |
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Phone: (352) 267-4304s